So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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