I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
