We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
