Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
