flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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