dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
