My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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