I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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