it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
