I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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