The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
So many bounce houses so little time
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
