god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
