I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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