i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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