I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
