I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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