i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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