Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
