I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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