i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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