She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
wow bdsm is so cute
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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