I want to stick my p in your. b.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
