the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
