I can't breathe out the right side of my face
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
