just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
