I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
