I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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