You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
