I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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