Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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