Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
