She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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