Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
