I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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