uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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