whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
