Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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