his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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