you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
