Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
