Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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