I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
