pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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