i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
