Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
