you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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