You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
