You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
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