If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
