How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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