Who did Billy Mays play for?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
