I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
return my video game
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
